Oh glorious rolls of toilet paper

Oh glorious rolls of toilet paper,
The way you serve the crevice of my ass
Is greater than a night with a hooker.
Without you, I’m the shit-stained underwear,
The remnants of yesterday’s spaghetti,
Gooey cheeseburger chunks stuck in ass hair.
Pull, spin, tear at appropriate length, and
Wipe away all the filth of digestion.
Not like banana peels or magazines,
Your touch is so gentle and efficient.

Oh glorious rolls of toilet paper,
The way you serve my many jesting pranks
Is greater than the love of a mother.
Without you, I’m the un-mummified house,
The un-mummified free moving roommate,
The un-mummified roommate’s computer.
Pull, spin, tear at appropriate length, and
Wrap away all the things that need wrapping.
Mummify it all, and watch their faces
As they see everything toilet papered.

Oh glorious rolls of toilet paper,
The way you have served all my life and dreams
Is greater than ending global warming.
Without you, I’m a prank-less idiot
And a very nasty shitty ass crack.
Pull, spin, tear at appropriate length, and
Wipe and wrap away all of your problems.
Oh glorious rolls of toilet paper,
I forever thank you for the ass wipes
And abundance of mummified roommates.