Let Testicles and Helen Mirren

For I keep you in place and hold you when you are lonely
Let testicles rejoice in boxer briefs, less they are too snug and kill the salmon before it can swim upstream

For I slide down your throat with cinnamon kisses
Let Hot Tamales rejoice in their divinity, less they are swallowed without ample chewing time, and cause their consumer to choke in pain

For I inform upon all matters of life and knowledge
Let Urban Dictionary rejoice in its infinite recess of wisdom, less it teaches us the wrong way to have her a Superman

For I provide you with reminders of love and joy
Let cheap plastic Wal-Mart lions rejoice in their frozen valor, less it comes to life in the middle of the night and eats me

For I made you undeniably sad in pretty ways
Let Kafka’s Metamorphisis rejoice with its somber pill bug, less it be considered a beetle or a roach

For I tell you comfortable lies
Let Clearasil Ultra rejoice in its exfoliating beads, less it doesn’t work

For I provide homo-erotic entertainment
Let wrestling friends rejoice in their build-up of testosterone, less something contained slips

For I smell delicious
Let silly puddy live happily in its little egg, less it falls to the dirty carpet and spends the next month regurgitating hair

For I have provided immeasurable fodder
Let Dan Brown rejoice in his unrealized humor, less all of his “scientific facts” turn out to be true

For I am constantly full of surprises
Let Lucky Charms rejoice in their colorful marshmallows, less they turn out to be good for you

For I am kind of sexy even though I’m old
Let Helen Mirren rejoice in her smooth body, less we find out most of it is under eighteen

For I can allow you to be whoever you wish
Let fake mustaches rejoice in their diversity, less they fall off in the middle of your Nazi propaganda speech