What's in the box?

Continuation of Canto V. Before Dante passes out, that is.

I reached to Virgil, who stood next to me,

Began to speak; alas! My lips moved not!

My poet friend had quickly disappeared

And in his place now stood a fro’d Bob Ross (1).

“Shush, dear child, hasten not to swoon,

But rather to expect such pained events,

For lusty layers we’ve already seen

Seem nothing, what with all that lies ahead

(also, note happy trees just to your right) (2).

But, swounds, look on unto that man you know(3);

Do you recall his face, e’en as tis now?”

So, holding dearest Mister Ross’s hand,

I turned and saw a man called Peter, fore.

Upon his junk were seven thousand hairs

(That grow like ivy under underoos)(4)

Which, knitted, held his skin flute rather taught,

And stretched they out across a lava’d field

(As hairy fork tongs with a flacid base)

Right to the collars of bejeweled men

Who, trained in track and field when they were young,

Showed no remorse in racing ever on.

Those sprinting queens of drag had not, it seemed,

Marked my old friend (who’d wronged so many loves),

But rather goaded one another on

To win the pubic race they had begun.(5)

As he screamed on and on, I yelled to Bob,

“Why stays he so, why hasn’t he yet fled?

And Bob replied, “Look down, my naïve ward,

To Pete, who’s feet are planted into stone.”

And sure enough the soles of that old slut

Were stuck in red rock that “impegno” read. (6)

“No more,” I begged, “I’ve seen too much, my liege!”

“All right, my son,” he muttered in my ear.

“Virgil’s due back, my boy, so go I now,

But remember all you’ve seen, and paint it later.

PBS eats this shit out of your palm. (7)

Peace out, dear friend, and say hey to Virgil!”

Then was he gone and fell I fast once more

Into a state of comatose slumber. (8)

(1) Fro'd, der. from "fro": also known as "afro," commonly associated with the African-American hairstyle in which hair is allowed to grow out and is then fluffed to create an orb-like style.

(2) "happy trees": Bob Ross's version of currency.

(3) swounds: shortened version of "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." Means "Balls!"

(4) Underoos: if you wear underwear, the most comfortable underwear you can wear.

(5) I'm fond of drag queens. So, naturally, said "fondness" encourages their use (in a pleasant way, of course) as demons in hell. Because I love the idea of racing men-women pulling at the ball-strings of an ex. And so should you.

(6) "impegno": Italian. Means "commitment."

(7) PBS is in no way affiliated with this bastardization of classic literature.

(8) With all this fainting, it's really no wonder why Dante's in hell. Would you date a guy who fainted regularly? More like Don't-e.


My question was in regards to what layer of hell I would end up in. If you've committed more than one sin, how is your specific level chosen?

The answer is that Kevin Spacey picks it for you.
The proof's in the IMDB pudding, my friends.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114369/